The ticket inspector

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The ticket inspector

The passenger is sitting in a compartment on a train. He is reading a newspaper. The steward opens the door.

Steward: Coffee!  

Passenger: No. thanks. 

(The passenger closes the door, and continues reading. The waiter opens the door.) 

Waiter: Seats for dinner!  

Passenger: No, thanks. 

(The passenger closes the door again, and continues reading. The ticket inspector opens the door.) 

Inspector: Tickets! 

Passenger: No, thanks. 

Inspector: Pardon? 

Passenger: I don't want a ticket, thank you. 

Inspector: I'm not selling tickets, sir. 

Passenger: No? 

Inspector: No, I want to see your ticket. 

Passenger: Oh, I haven't got a ticket. 

Inspector: You haven't got a ticket? 

Passenger: No. I never buy a ticket. 

Inspector: Why not? 

Passenger: Well, they are very expensive, you know. 

Inspector: Sir, you're travelling on a train. When people travel on a train, they always buy a ticket. 

Passenger: Er 

Inspector: And this is a first-class compartment. 

Passenger: Yes, it is very nice, isn't it? 

Inspector: No, sir. I mean: This is a firstclass compartment. When people travel in a first-class compartment, they always buy a first-class ticket. 

(They look at each other for a moment.) 

Passenger: No, they don't. 

Inspector: What? 

Passenger: A lot of people don't buy tickets. The Queen doesn't buy a ticket, does she' Eh? Eh? 

Inspector: No, sir, but she's a famous person. 

Passenger: And what about you? Where's yours? 

Inspector: Mine? 

Passenger: Yes, yours. Your ticket. Have you got a ticket? 

Inspector: Me, sir? 

Passenger: Yes, you. 

Inspector: No, I haven't got a ticket. 

Passenger: Ooh, are you a famous person? 

Inspector: (Flattered) Famous? Well, not very (Back to normal) Sir, I am a ticket inspector. I inspect tickets. Are you going to show me your ticket? 

Passenger: No, I haven't got a ticket. 

Inspector: I see. 

(The ticket inspector puts his hand into his pocket.) 

Passenger: 'What are you going to do? 

Inspector: I'm going to write your name in my book. 

Passenger: Oh 

Inspector: What is your name, sir? 

Passenger: Mickey Mouse, 

(The inspector begins to write.) 

Inspector: Mickey  

Passenger: Mouse. M-O-U-S-E. 

(The inspector stops writing.) 

Inspector: Your name, sir? 

Passenger: Karl Marx? William Shakespeare? Charles Dickens? 

Inspector: I see, sir. Well, if you're not going to tell me your name, please leave the train. 

Passenger: Pardon? 

Inspector: Leave the train. 

Passenger: I can't. 

Inspector: You can't what? 

Passenger: I can't leave the train. 

Inspector: Why not? 

Passenger: It's moving, 

Inspector: Not now, sir. At the next station. 

Passenger: Oh. 

Inspector: It's in the book, sir. When you travel by train, you buy a tick- et, and if you don't buy a ticket, you   

Passenger-Inspector: leave the train. 

Inspector: Here we are, sir. We're coming to a station. Please leave the train now. 

Passenger: Now? 

Inspector: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, but  

Passenger: Oh, that's OK. 

Inspector: it's in the book, and what did you say? 

Passenger: I said: That's OK.' 

Inspector: OK? 

Passenger: Yes, this is my station. Goodbye. 

(The passenger leaves the train.)